Career Milestones Can Be Pretty Wild!
As a warning, the following post makes mention of domestic violence.
I never meant to make "one of those" Linkedin posts about anything. But at the risk of putting myself out there a bit - this week wrapped up my personal and professional lives in completely unexpected ways. So, here we go. . . . I'm hoping this speaks to anyone who went through or is going through similar situations in their lives.
It’s just an intern event. It’s only one night, about 20 minutes of stage time, roughly a few total hours of prep, editing, and practice. It’s not really a big deal. I keep saying these things to myself maybe because I do know and can rationalize that life and career are both such a long game. I also keep saying these things because there is a constant voice in the back of my head - and it’s pretty loud - that tells me that other people are smarter, more together, and just better than me; that I’m not quite that good and questioning how the hell I got here. In this case “here” is defined as just some guy at a global firm on a team full of really smart, driven, high performing, kind people. “Here” has lately been performing pretty well despite all that; well enough to be asked (realistically, in a pinch) to speak at a large(ish) scale event in NY of over 600 people with a few leaders and peers in the audience that I have a ton of respect for - some of those people who I think are a bit better than me.
I think a lot of people have that same voice in their head. The truth is, any one of them could have very likely been up there. But, there I was, on stage in front of 600 people, doing pretty well! I got a couple of laughs, the audience was engaged and participating, and I may have even gotten a bit of an applause when I was finished. The next morning, I had exercised like normal. But as I walked back to my Times Square hotel room I unexpectedly became really reflective and emotional. So let’s back up a bit.
I’m a first generation college student. I served in the military and now I’m “here.” I had no idea where I was headed through most of it except forward. Digging deeper, I grew up witnessing a lot of domestic violence, alcoholism, drug use and experienced some abuse myself. My mom and step dad both didn’t work for most of their lives. There was a ton of unresolved mental and emotional health issues that all the alcohol and drugs clearly exacerbated. Every now and then it occurs to me that despite that, I have a pretty decent career but more importantly; I have a good marriage and I’m a good father. I’m so far from perfect but doing things 100% differently than I had growing up. I could have easily ended up so very different and statistically, I should have.
If you’ve never witnessed domestic violence, it’s visually horrifying. There are also the accompanying sounds. When your stepdad is beating your mom and then she keeps going in for more, the violence doesn’t sound like someone getting hit in movies. There are the argumentative screams, the shocking screams, the sound of the hitting and slamming of someone’s hands to another person but also the slamming into walls, doors, or the floor. I remember once these sounds started, I’d go into my cousin’s room if she was living with us at the time; at first because I was a scared child and later because it was routine.
Your mind can play such funny games with your emotions and memories. On that walk back to my hotel room, my mind was putting the sounds of awful, horrifying, domestic violence and all the fear, anger and sadness that went with it right next to the sounds of the laughter, engagement, and applause of the audience, as well as all the very positive feedback I got when I came off stage. I can’t even describe how this made me feel because I’m not sure there is a word or words for such opposing feelings of inadequacy and what I’ll call a career high note. As I was reflecting, I think I was viewing those memories, with all the emotions that went with them as a beginning of sorts - as if my mind was telling me this all could have turned out way different - juxtaposed to being on stage and doing well and the sounds of the crowd, my voice on the microphone, and the stage lights, the comments I received after as a way to say “wow! This is turning out way better than expected!” Maybe it was that negative inner voice shutting the fuck up or changing it’s tone to say “Guess what - You are pretty good. Yea, you might have started off differently or later, but you deserve everything you’re getting. Don’t stop.” To be totally honest, that is really hard to handle.
